So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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