We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
