Only a mothe r could love this liver
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
