Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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