I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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