I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
