I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
