You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
