my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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