You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
