I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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