She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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