no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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