apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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