so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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