I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
