the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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