he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
