Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
