Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
