He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
