CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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