I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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