hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
