Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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