He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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