We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found a bag of teeth...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
