I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
