If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
50% drunk capacity currently
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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