Got a toothbrush?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
