Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
3 2 1 whiskey
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
