Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
