the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
