Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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