1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
