I didn't shave. On purpose
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
