I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
