I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
