My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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