I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
