Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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