I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
