I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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