watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
