my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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