Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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