We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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