and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
