Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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