I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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